Goldilocks Does Beverly Hills

   Once upon a time, about three weeks ago, a young woman-let's call her Ms. Goldilocks...

...with the help of her attorney....

...let's call her Gloria Allred, was able to win a sizeable settlement against the Bear Family, claiming illegal detention and sexual harassment. While the Bear Family publically claimed that it was Ms. Goldilocks who should go on trial for breaking and entering their tiny cabin in Encino, the Bear's lawyer convinced them that their hirsute appearance would not sit well with a jury and that they'd be better of settling. As soon as the settlement was granted, Ms. Goldocks turned to Ms. Allred and asked her to recommend a good real estate agent. "Someone who knows Beverly Hills," she said.
  The very next day, Ms. Goldlocks and her very blonde, very reconstructed agent, who shall go nameless for the moment, were in the back of the agent's car and headed out to shop for Goldilocks' new home.  "You're going to love this house; I think it's exactly what you're looking for," the agent told her as they pulled into the driveway....

...on Heather Road, just off Coldwater Canyon.

   "Oooh; this is so elegant," squealed Ms. Goldilocks...

...as they entered the 5,500 square foot, 5 bedroom, 7 and half bathroom abode. "This is so elegant!"
   "Yes," explained her agent, "the materials and fixtures have been imported from Paris and Venice and Florence, right down to the stone floors.
    "Wow," exclaimed Goldilocks; "How much does this cost?"
    "$8,795,000," her agent told her, in the same tone as if she'd said "$29.95".
    "Double Wow," said Goldilocks.
    "But can't you just see yourself..."

    "...and the future Mr. Locks in this beautiful master suite? Why there are bathrooms and dressing rooms and closets for both of you." As they entered another room....

...Goldilocks stood there, stumped. "What room is this?" she asked.
   "It's a bathroom," the agent snapped, barely able to conceal her contempt at her client's lack of sophistication.
    "Oh; I get it; that's a sink over there," said Ms. Goldilocks.  "You know I'm not so sure this is exactly right for me." At which point the agent grabbed her arm, yanked her downstairs, saying, "Well you have to see the grounds."

    But when Goldilocks saw that there were even chandeliers outdoors, she put her foot down. "Oh no no no!" she exclaimed; "This house is much to fancy for me! This will never do!"
    The agent was startled, not having heard the word "fancy" even once during her 25 year Beverly Hills career, and a bit peeved that this sale was going to take more time than she hoped. But being ever industrious, she plunked Goldilocks back into the car, telling her  "We're going to see something that's, well, not so done; maybe you'll be more comfortable with it. And it's a real steal. It belongs to Rihanna. She moved out." Reacting to the blank look on Goldilocks' face, she added, "The singer." While Goldilocks wasn't quite sure who that was, she was pleasantly surprised....

  ...as they pulled up to the gate.

    "Now this looks very interesting," she said hopefully. Until....

...the gate opened and they pulled in. "It's...a fixer," confided the agent. "She had a few problems with water damage and maybe some mold. But it's all fixable. And it still has celebrity heritage."
     Goldilocks decided to give it a chance. After all, it did have...

..30 foot ceilings in the living room, even if some of the flooring had been pulled up and someone forgot to remove the cleaning implements. And it certainly had...

...a great closet in the Master Bedroom. And after all, there were 8 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. "It's 10,000 square feet!" the agent told her, but suddenly caught hereself: "No- wait!" She checked her notes and corrected herself-"It's 8,520 square feet," she said, having remembered that the agent who sold it to Rihanna had also claimed it was 10,000 square feet and was now being sued. "So, it's kind of cozy," she added. But by the time they reached the back yard...

...and the pool....

...Goldilocks burst into tears. "No no no no no!," she cried, "this will never do! This one is too messy!" She ran back through the house, with the agent following her, explaining, "But Rihanna pad 7 million dollars for this and she's asking under 5!"
   Things were silent for several minutes in the car, with Goldilocks finally admitting, "I just don't know if this is going to work out. I am very discouraged."
    "Cheer up," said the agent; "I have another idea. "Now we're going to the real Beverly Hills; I think I have just the right thing for you there."

   "We weren't really in Beverly Hills?" asked the very puzzled Goldilocks.

   "No, both of those were in the Post Office," sniffed the agent, though Goldilocks remained clueless as to what she meant. As they wound their way up to Gilcrest Drive, Goldilocks became more and more intriuged by the lovely neighborhood. And when they entered 1520 Gilcrest Drive....

...a sigh of joy escaped from young Goldilocks.

   The beautiful woodwork and the stunning light caused her breathing to become quite rapid. As they entered the living room....

..the agent informed Goldilocks that "..many years ago this property belonged to Jascha Heifetz."
   "Who?" asked the now hypnotized Goldilocks.
   "You know; the fiddle player," the agent told her. "But it was really the actor James Woods who redid this property, with all the Craftsman inspired interiors, she continued." Goldilocks had even less idea who that was, but could not have cared less as she toured the gorgeous study...

   ..and the master bedroom....

...In a trance, she followed the agent outdoors, to the entertaining pavilion....

...originally designed for Heifetz by Lloyd Wright, and walked out to take in the view....

    "This one is JUST RIGHT!" Goldilocks exclaimed. "I want it!"
    The agent smiled upon hearing the words that were always music to her ears.
    "How much is it?" Goldilocks asked.
    "$9,850,000," the agent told her; "Last spring they wanted 12.5!"
    But Goldilocks was barely listening, so entranced was she. "Just call Gloria Allred and work it out," she told the agent who, fortunately, had Gloria's number on her speedial.
    But Gloria had some distressing news for both the agent and Ms. Goldilocks, namely that her settlement wouldn't begin to cover purchasing this house, or anything like it. "They were just Bears from Encino, for chrissake. How much do you think I could get?"
    So several weeks later, when the Bear's check finally cleared, Ms. Goldilocks rented herself a nice studio in West Hollywood and asked Ms. Gloria Allred for another recommendation-a plastic surgeon. The well connected Ms. Allred knew just the right person, whom Goldilocks visited....

And they all lived Happily Ever After.